Evangelicals Circulate Petition to Make Shroud of Turin New US Flag Design

by Joshua Scott Hotchkin

A new petition circulating at switch.org is calling for the United States government to replace the traditional stars and stripes design of the American flag with the image of Jesus Christ of Nazareth as recorded on the Shroud of Turin, an ancient relic said to have been created when the Abrahamic messiah was being executed by government officials.

“There can be no symbol of our nation more powerful and appropriate than the image of our Lord and Savior,” said Polly Purvis, author of the petition.

However, not all Christians seem to agree. Mark Van Steenwyk of JesusRadicals.com, a Christian anarchist group, says that Jesus opposed the state in his own time and would certainly oppose the giant temple of money-changers the United States has become.

“It is even more disturbing that there are actually Christians who would use an image taken at the time of Christ’s execution to symbolize the very institution that killed him, the nation state,” said Steenwyk.

Pastor Wayne Johnson of the Association of Christian Patriots says that if Jesus were alive today he would almost certainly immigrate to America, and adds, “legally, too.”

“These so-called Christians who do not recognize the divinely mandated authority of the state are fools beguiled by Satan. The US is the greatest nation to ever grace the face of this planet and you can bet your place in heaven Jesus would be proud of it,” Johnson continues.

“Dude, idolatry much?” retorted VanSteenwyk after hearing the pastors statement.

The petition continues to gain momentum and has now been signed by almost a hundred and fifty thousand Christians, mostly Evangelical Protestants, throughout the nation. That number is just slightly higher than the number of people who will actually be admitted to heaven (144,000) during the rapture. Which means that no matter how much product placement statist Christians are responsible for, there just won’t be enough room for all of them.

In the meantime a group of republican congressmen have vowed to support the groups efforts and participate in any other red herring used to manufacture consent for the predominately neo-liberal agenda of the oligarchy.

“Good guy. Floundering neanderthal fool. I get paid either way. Someone has to play the heel,” said superstar caricature villain Ted Cruz.

The Church of Satan has responded by circulating their own petition to have the current flag design replaced with “a photo of John Kennedy taken milliseconds after having his cranium rekt by the CIA in Dallas.”

Richard Dawkins chimed in on the incident on Twitter. “Christians are stupid poopy faces and I hate them. America is dumb. They should make a scientifically atheist flag, then I will consider believing in them.”

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