Ladies and Gentlemen…
This election seasons main event will be a contest for the heavy weight champion of the nation.
In this corner, weighing in at deadly oligarch with a history of warfarism and corporatism, is Hilary ‘The Phlegminist’ Clinton.
And in the opposite corner, weighing in at spoiled, racist manchild without a fucking clue, we have Donald ‘The Hairtrocity’ Trump.
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Now back to our main event.
O.D. – Things are heating up here Washington D.C. as the two contenders for the championship prepare to go head to head. My name is Orangutan Deluge and joining me here in the announcer booth is Jimmy ‘The Northern Orifice’ Hurts. What do you think of tonight’s match up, Jimmy?
J.H. – Never before in my entire career have I seen a pair of heal contenders so comically inept and obviously evil. Both parties represent the worst archetypes of American political life since George Washington wore that first title belt. This ought to be a great match.
O.D. – No doubt about that, Jimmy. Each of these candidates for the national championship appear to have been picked specifically because they represent everything intelligent and compassionate people hate. It looks like the match is about to get underway.
J.H. – HEY-OOHH! Trump starts off strong with a Racism Suplex, his signature move.
O.D. – And Clinton is down. She is on the mat appealing to feminist voters.
J.H. – That is right, Orangutan, but she appears to be faking it in order to woe supporters from an ideology she has betrayed hundreds of times over as big player in the patriarchal systems or authoritarian government.
O.D. – POW! And now Trump is on top of her, smashing her in the face with shit-eating grins.
J.H. – Well that didn’t last long, as Hilary fires back with rhetoric that has been so watered down, The Hairtrocity literally doesn’t even know what is hitting him.
O.D. – Look at her go, Jimmy! We haven’t seen someone land this many obfuscating talking points since Pauly Shore had an audience.
J.H. – Nobody can talk in circles like The Phlegminist…TRUMP IS DOWN! That last claim that she supports medical cannabis, despite having moneyed interest in not doing so, was too much. And now she is on top for the count.
O.D. – 1, 2… And Biff is back up!
J.H. – Personally I think he is more like the grown up version of the main jock from Revenge of the Nerds, but Biff is not too far off, either.
O.D. – If this match were an SNL sketch, Dana Carvey could play Clinton and nobody would know the difference.
J.H. – Lookout Garth! Trump is firing away with xenophobic promises to build a wall to keep out immigrants.
O.D. – He doesn’t want anybody getting citizenship with marrying him first. Hilary fires back with anti-war rhetoric that flies in the face of her entire political history.
J.H. – Donald is stunned, he has no idea what is going on right…OH WAIT A SECOND! Trump counters her with an insult against people with physical disabilities and knocks her OUT OF THE RING.
O.D. – His supporters are on their feet and the energy in this sold-out political system is electrifying!
J.H. – He is going to the top rope. HE IS ON THE TOP ROPE! And here he goes, pouncing at her from almost fifteen feet with a hard flying slogan.
O.D. – And Hilary throws up a marriage of political alliance at the last minute, but still gets a heavy dose of The Hairtrocities empty rhetoric.
J.H. – THEY ARE BOTH KNOCKED OUT!
O.D. – The referee has begun his count, but neither or the opponents seem to be coming around to the disgust of the American people…
J.H. – A DOUBLE COUNT OUT!
O.D. – I did not see this happening. Both candidates lose. Obama ‘Drone Yo Mama’ Barrack will hold on to the title belt for another four years.
J.H. – Correction, Orangutan, the citizens of this country lose.
O.D. – Yeah, but that was going to happen either way. Well, folks, it looks like that’s it. Stay tuned next election to see Industrial Solvent Huffer take on Amnesiac Lobotomy Patient and compete for the title of POTUS!
There is no difference whatsoever between politics and pro-wrestling. The characters and interactions are all highly scripted by the same people who profit from the performance. The politicians are just trained apes who play out these highly derivative dramas as a distraction while the wizards behind the curtain leach away the freedoms, liberties and prosperity of those who mind-bogglingly continue into adulthood believing the show to be real.
There is no lesser of evil. The entire charade of democracy is a fakery and the winners are already decided before the match. Elections are a commercial break used to sell you this scam. But unlike wrestling, the show is not intended to entertain you. It is to control you for profit and power. And left too its own devices, the state and its players on either side of the curtain have the ability and tendencies to destroy humanity.
Turn off your TV, put down your giant foam hands, and be your own ruler. If we do not evolve past the state, our species will be just another idiot in tight, shiny pants that died in the ring.