Ice Cream And Cake In The Sky


Gakona, AK – There is widespread discussion happening recently regarding long white cloud-like formations in the sky, usually following objects purported to be planes. As with all things unknown the media goes silent, the speculation gets violent, and it’s hard to decipher the truth from social networks awash with rumor and rhetoric.

Not to fear… The government rarely ever does anything deliberate to harm the populace. And I’m going to lay out for you exactly why you should breathe easy under the lattice of white stripes that effectively tic-tac-toe our skies.

You see, not only does the government care deeply about you. They want to see you live the full and happy life that their appointed officials are capable of sustaining. That’s why the White House proposed a bill to make birthdays mandatory for everyone; “You cannot be successful and happy unless every once-in-awhile you celebrate arbitrary or arguably benign dates from the calendar.” Said one official Spokesperson.

Think about it… Specific days like July 4th, December 25th, and others have been mandated for us all to act in some celebratory fashion in regards to specific events our history lessons lie to us about. Why should the anniversary behind your birth be any different? You should get the equivalent of an Olympic size swimming pool of whipped cream on your own special day.

Don’t listen to those conservatives. They’re just being fiscal tightwads with the tax money you give out. Which is why this beautiful program was put into place. It’s completely impractical for our government to dole out free Costco Tiramisu to the entirety of the populace. So in their infinite wisdom, The Army Corp of Engineers developed a way to bring the whipped cream to everyone. The skies.

Instead of say vouchers for free cake or waiting in long lines and through bad customer service due to cheap labor. Our government knew that few would celebrate under those conditions. And, with celebration mandatory, nobody could fathom that. So the solution was simple. The engineers devised a way to reduce cake topping, and whipped cream down to particulates that can then be sprayed into the air above your city. Planes greatly increase the speed behind which your special present is delivered, and help to insure uniformity. You aren’t the only person with a birthday. So now when you look into the sky and see these odd formations, you should feel nostalgia. Someone or even a host of people in your town has the same birthday as you!

Naysayers are adamant that this is a much more sinister program aimed at geoengineering the ionosphere. Claiming that your icing in the sky is some sort of aluminum particles. I say bah-humbug. These are the types of people that don’t remember their own birthdate. Or simply cannot fathom that there are other people in their area that day celebrating. Why else would governments all over the world be implementing this?

So the next time you see a post on your social media outlets that have to do with this topic? Wish them a happy birthday. The government is trying to as well. Now all we must do is get a petition going to have them start spraying closer to the ground, that way we can have our cake, and eat it too.

Written by James Job is intended to be a diverse collection of writers with different thoughts and ideas about ending aggressive authority and the state. As such, the messages of the various contributors may sometimes seem to be in conflict. Rather than taking as a monolithic entity, try thinking of each author and every article as a single voice in a brainstorming session about the future. 

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