While the campaign trail can be a grueling experience that is jam packed with all sorts of rigorous debate, candidate Bernie Sanders sometimes like to kick off the boots and get down to less pressing matters, as he did recently in a short interview with Unicorn World via e-mail.
UW: Your opponent, Vermin Supreme, has been very candid about his intention to spread awareness of and plan for a possible zombie apocalypse. He has even stated his intention to put zombies in giant hamster wheels to generate green energy. Do you also have a contingency proposal for dealing with the living dead should that phenomena occur?
BS: In fact, I do, but first of all I would like to address Vermin’s zombie energy initiative. It is slavery, pure and simple. It is devaluing the unliving and treating them as second class citizens. As president, I would treat zombies with respect and equality and represent their interests as much as any other Americans. Zombies are already likely to be subject to abject poverty, homelessness and are unable to meet their nutritional requirements and live in constant hunger. Accommodating their needs would be my first priority, while the last thing on my mind would be enslaving them.
UW: So you believe that zombies should have a right to exist?
BS: Certainly. They are not monsters, they are sick humans who need our help. My healthcare plan contains instructions for dealing with a medical emergency of that variety and magnitude. We cannot just go killing off large numbers of Americans because they have contracted a highly contagious illness that induces cannibalism. That would not be humane. It would be our duty to care and provide for these disease sufferers until we can find a cure.
UW: Let us say that containing the zombies and meeting their needs is even possible, how would we pay for such an extravagant endeavor, especially considering that much of our economy would be instantly drained when large amounts of workers and consumers were suddenly reduced to ravenous ghouls?
BS: I would institute a policy of asset forfeiture on the property of those killed by the undead that could then be resold to generate the necessary funds. The dead have no use for condos, SUV’s and computerized toaster ovens. What they leave behind will help to rebuild this nation with plenty to go around for the living and the living dead alike.
UW: What about criminal acts? Would zombies have to face any consequences for the murderous man-eating and other violent and destructive crimes that they engage in?
BS: What you have to understand is that zombies did not ask become zombies. They were bitten that way against their will or choice. Living people do not understand what it is like to roam around desperately seeking flesh just to get through the day. Zombies cannot be responsible for their crimes because they would be the disadvantaged and marginalized group. I would pardon the flesh eaters and seek to reform them rather than punish them.
UW: What if we cannot contain the outbreak and the failure to quarantine them leads to the rapid irreversible spread of the zombiism? Do you have a plan B?
BS: Let ’em Bern!
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Written by Joshua Scott Hotchkin 3-8-2016